What It Feels Like to Have Depression

I hate my depression. So much. It grabs a hold of me, choking me, until it feels like I can’t breathe anymore.

Depression changes me. Or it hijacks my personality. Whatever you want to call it, when I’m depressed, it’s not the real me you’d see. It’s as if the happiness part of my brain is suddenly gone, like it took a vacation. It’s as if it is physically not even there anymore. The only parts of my brain that are left are sadness, loneliness, anger, hurt, frustration... So I bounce around between those emotions. I’m all over the place. But the one emotion I can’t seem to get to is happiness. It’s not even an option. So when I hear phrases like “You can choose to be happy,” I just want to SCREAM and say, “I CAN’T! I WOULD IF I COULD. BUT IT ISN’T EVEN AN OPTION FOR ME!”

I’m able to show the world that “I’m fine.” No one wants to hear about someone who’s depressed; it’s too much of a downer. So I put on my “happy” mask and show the world that everything is just fine in Sam’s world. Only those closest to me know the truth. But sometimes, when I’m having a particularly hard day, my depression creeps out. And all of a sudden, my “crazy” can be seen by anyone. I yell. I cry. I say things I don’t mean. All to people that don’t really know what’s going on inside of my head. So I appear to be crazy, mean, selfish, etc. I start to feel guilty and worthless because of this sadness and craziness that’s inside of my head. I feel like everyone’s judging me or thinks I’m faking my depression. I don’t even blame people if they do think I’m faking it. It DOES seem fake. But it’s not. It’s truly not fake. It’s sooooo real, and so overpowering. It’s so horrible. I would give anything to have it go away.

Depression makes me feel so overwhelmingly lonely, that I almost think I DESERVE to be alone. So, foolishly, I push everyone away. Greg, my family, my friends, God. I think that no one really knows how I feel. No one could POSSIBLY understand what it feels like to be so out of control and angry and sad and confused. And for no apparent reason! It just HAPPENS! Out of nowhere! I push everyone away. I think, “No one wants to be around me. I don’t even want to be around myself.”

Depression can become so overpowering, that I think to myself, “How much longer can I go on feeling this way? I want this hurt and pain and sadness to just go away!” But I feel helpless because I can’t just wishl it away. So I turn to a coping method: sleep. I am ALWAYS so overly exhausted, even after a full night’s sleep. Depression is mentally exhausting. So any chance I get, I nap throughout the day. I put movies on for the girls. I can barely function. And then I start feeling guilty that I’m being a bad mom. It’s this constant battle between, “I’m such a bad mom,” and “I’m doing the very best I can right now.” I don’t know which one to believe. 

Sleep helps take the pain away for a little bit. I don’t have to feel ANYTHING. I wish I could just sleep for however long these bouts of depression take. Sometimes it’s days. Sometimes it’s weeks. Sometimes it’s even months. 

I take medication for it. I’ve switched my dosage several times. I’ve exercised regularly  and tried to eat right. I’ve even gone to see a therapist. These have helped, but none are a cure. 

Depression makes me feel hopeless. Like I will never feel happy again. In fact, it makes me forget what happiness even felt like to begin with. I feel like a victim in my own body, taken hostage by my own chemically imbalanced brain.

My depression frustrates me. Beyond words. I get so angry because if I had a broken leg, I’d probably get meals brought to me every day. I’d have notes given to me by friends or family. I’d get texts asking if I’ve made any improvement. It’s obvious when someone’s leg is broken. It’s not so obvious when someone’s brain is broken. I don’t blame anyone for not knowing what to do. I really don’t. And some people ARE really good about reaching out. Because they get it.

When I’m depressed, the one thing I want is to be taken care of. I want to know that someone else has life under control and can help me. Because my life feels out of control.

I often think of the song “Rainbow” by Kacey Musgraves when I’m feeling depressed:

“When it rain it pours but you didn't even notice

It ain't rainin' anymore, it's hard to breathe when all you know is

The struggle of staying above, the rising water line

Well the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blowin'

But you're stuck out in the same old storm again

You hold tight to your umbrella, well, darlin' I'm just tryin' to tell ya

That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head”

I have to remember that I’ll get through it. It won’t be easy. It’s going to be really, REALLY hard. But I WILL get through my depression. I’ve always gotten through it, and I’ll continue to. It’s just up to me to have faith that things will get better. 

Depression sometimes creeps into my thoughts and says, “Why would God let you go on feeling this way? Doesn’t He care? If He did, why isn’t He helping you? Why can’t you feel Him?” Sometimes I believe those words. Lately, I’ve pushed them away. I KNOW God is there. Depression is a Spirit blocker. Just because I can’t feel Him near DOESN’T mean He isn’t there! I read the book “Silent Souls Weeping” by Jane Clayson Johnson (AMAZING book, by the way). She talks about a woman who suffered from Bipolar Disorder and was hospitalized for a major depressive episode. She was laying in her bed, feeling out of control. Her husband came to visit her. He said that when he entered the room, a huge wall of love hit him. He felt God’s love for her SO strongly. When he started talking to her, she said, in tears, “Why can’t I feel God? He isn’t there!” Her husband looked at her and said, “But He IS there! I felt Him! He loves you so much, even though you can’t feel Him right now!” This story is so tender to me. I have learned that I have to rely on other people’s faith or my own faith that I’ve been able to build throughout my life. That helps immensely.

My friend, Christa, gave me a birthday present- a necklace with the words “Faith over Fear.” It’s perfect for me. I have to always remember to trust in God and know that He’ll take care of me. He always has, and He always will. 

While I can’t choose when I get depressed or how long it will last, I CAN choose to have faith that I will feel better again. That this hijacked person isn’t the REAL me. I am a strong, confident, fun, and HAPPY person. THAT’S who I really am. So I hold on to that. I’ll hold onto that for as long as it takes.